Redefining

It's been awhile since I've been to this place....this place of longing to write what it is I'm feeling, what I'm experiencing, seeing, doing....But I find myself here again finally making the time to make my feelings more of a priority. A decision of commitment. My blog was once something I enjoyed doing, something that I could use to express myself and I found myself missing that part of my life. It was something for me, created by me as a means to find myself. Ultimately something for me, that was solely about me. I've done a lot of growing since my last post and have dealt with numerous feelings since then. I think I'm just blabbing now but who cares its my blog and that's what its here for lol. It's my out loud and very public journal. 

The point of this blog more so this particular post is I continually find myself on this journey of redefinition. A journey of finding out who I am outside of the societal roles I play: wife, mother, friend. A journey of who I would be if those very titles were stripped away....I am grateful for those people who have been here reading my journey and those who will come. I vow to continually share my thoughts along my journey of redefinition, life, love, marriage, motherhood. There will be moments of love, sadness, humor, serious, spirituality, among other things...

-Soulful Momma

Journey to Me: Newness

I've never felt so liberated in my life. I have been cutting my hair since I was 16 years old. Recently I decided to change a lot in my life, (hopefully you've read my Epiphany post...if not go read it & come back...don't worry I'll wait lol) so yeah I decided to go natural as part of the new me. I have been chemical free since the end of July. I had been rocking a mohawk for the last year & wanted to grow it out along w/ going natural. I thought it was a good idea since my hair was already short. Well I got tired of the two textures & last week decided to do a semi-big chop. Like I said I have been cutting my hair for years so I didnt think this time would be any different. I have no idea this particular moment was so defining. I think I am just in a new place in my life and can truly say I am happy where my life is going. I think this haircut really gave me a fresh start. I have never felt sooo confident in my life. I digs the new do! lbvs...this liberation has given me the kick in the butt I needed to continue on my journey of a new me. I look forward to seeing more changes in myself in the next year. The New Me is excited for what's to come, whatever it may be...

Special Reminder

Tonight I was reminded of why I love being an “at home mommy”. My 2 year old son & soon to be 1 year old daughter turned on the radio (at 11pm, yeah I know what you’re thinking), held hands & “slow danced”. When she fell, he said “you awright? I’m sawry” (You alright, I’m sorry for those who don’t speak toddler) LOL, it was the most special, cutest moment ever. As typical siblings they have their fighting moments that often drive me nuts; but every now & again they gift me these precious moments that I just adore. I thank God for sending me these special little reminders that keep me going & fuel my desire to be the best mom ever to them. My babies rock!

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have learned a lot of things staying at home with my kids. Being an "at home" mom is emotionally challenging job. People never understand why its hard to be at home with your kids all day. I'm sure you're saying to yourself as you read this, "who wouldn't want to be at home all day with their kids & not have to work?". It's not that I don't enjoy being with my kids, watching them grow & learn new things that you may have taught them. But it takes a special person to embrace this job. I finally have figured out why its so hard & how to finally explain to people what I mean by it.

It's emotionally challenging...some days are better than others, some days are kinda peaceful...others extremely chaotic. I can handle it physically. I get tired just like everybody else, I need a break just like everyone else. But when you get physically and mentally tired it takes a huge tole on your emotional state. Sometimes the constant bickering & cries combined with the mounting household chores & lack of rest builds and builds until you have a melt down.

It can be physically challenging at times...The physical aspect of it I don't typically mind...I actually enjoy it. It just like an alternative workout plan, lol. I really think people don't understand because they equate staying at home with doing nothing. FAR FROM the truth. I typically do more work than you would at a "job". Most people sit at a desk all day at work, that doesn't mean you're doing nothing or that your job is easy. To simply put it, if I do nothing then your babysitter/daycare provider does nothing...and you pay them...

Its mentally challenging...I'm alone with two young toddlers all day. I sometimes don't interact with an adult until my husband comes home, which is usually later than the average husband. It can become frustrating when the most stimulating conversation you've had all day is the debate with your 2 year old on why he must eat his food before he gets juice. Trying to stand your ground and not give in for peace of mind while your child throws a tantrum is challenging.

One thing a person must never do is compare staying at home mothers to those of working mothers. Its like comparing apples and oranges. I often look at people who do that like are you freaking serious? So what I do isn't work? Isn't my job just as challenging as hers? I am more than capable of holding down a job & my motherly/wifely duties just like she is. I mean I finished college while raising a baby. Its not that I cannot handle or that I'm struggling with my job as a SAHM. I just need people to understand that I am a working mother...my job is challenging...and give me my respect & props for holding it down at home.

Btw: I consider myself a work at home mom...on a pursuit to building my dreams & my family

Kinky Hair, Don't Care

Transitioning from chemical free to natural is not easy, geesh! I finally made a conscious choice to leave the relaxers alone and try out my natural hair. I have been chemical free since the end of July. It wasn't exactly an easy decision to make for several reasons. I wondered what people were going to say or think (which is unlike me). I'm in a constant battle still trying to stand firm in my decision.

I made the choice to join the "Curly Girl Movement" for good reasons, I refused to just do it because it seems to be the new trend. One of the main reasons was because of finances! Maintaining relaxed hair is costly, especially when you're rocking short hair like I was. Now that I'm married and have been cut off the money train, I look for ways to save us money; and cutting out the salon expenses is one. There are so many household products you can use and it saves money. The second reason was pure curiosity! I wanna see my hair in the state it was meant to be. I wanted to see what the hype and this new movement was about. All of my natural friends claim to love it & I want to see if I experience that same love. I hear that there is so much versatility with natural hair. I love changing up my hair so this will be a plus for me.

Discipline is another main reason. This transition period is not easy at all! I have new growth on the sides from rocking my mohawk, and relaxed hair in the middle. This does not make doing my hair an easy task. So for now I've been rocking my beloved hair wraps. Transitioning is showing me discipline and how to stick to my decision. And discipline is preparing me to make a final decision on doing the BC (big chop).

One of the biggest & most important reasons was for my daughter. Nobody ever really told me it was okay to love my hair the way it was. As little black girls, we are conditioned to want that "good hair". My daughter has beautiful thick coily hair! It makes the cutest little Afro puffs and I want her to embrace her. I want her to grow up knowing that natural is beautiful. The best way to instill that is to be an prime example. How can I tell her to love her for who she is and not show it myself. I'm also going natural to learn how to maintain her hair better. I have learned so much from other blogs, researching, and asking people.

The Curly Girl Movement may just be a trend, but its one I don't mind being a follower too. I hope more black women embrace the movement and learn from it. This is another part of my journey to Me and its helping me to learn more about myself. But whether your decision is relaxed or au naturale, sistas DO YOU! I'll enjoy being able to scratch my scalp whenever I feel free! LOL