Special Reminder

Tonight I was reminded of why I love being an “at home mommy”. My 2 year old son & soon to be 1 year old daughter turned on the radio (at 11pm, yeah I know what you’re thinking), held hands & “slow danced”. When she fell, he said “you awright? I’m sawry” (You alright, I’m sorry for those who don’t speak toddler) LOL, it was the most special, cutest moment ever. As typical siblings they have their fighting moments that often drive me nuts; but every now & again they gift me these precious moments that I just adore. I thank God for sending me these special little reminders that keep me going & fuel my desire to be the best mom ever to them. My babies rock!

Emotional Rollercoaster

I have learned a lot of things staying at home with my kids. Being an "at home" mom is emotionally challenging job. People never understand why its hard to be at home with your kids all day. I'm sure you're saying to yourself as you read this, "who wouldn't want to be at home all day with their kids & not have to work?". It's not that I don't enjoy being with my kids, watching them grow & learn new things that you may have taught them. But it takes a special person to embrace this job. I finally have figured out why its so hard & how to finally explain to people what I mean by it.

It's emotionally challenging...some days are better than others, some days are kinda peaceful...others extremely chaotic. I can handle it physically. I get tired just like everybody else, I need a break just like everyone else. But when you get physically and mentally tired it takes a huge tole on your emotional state. Sometimes the constant bickering & cries combined with the mounting household chores & lack of rest builds and builds until you have a melt down.

It can be physically challenging at times...The physical aspect of it I don't typically mind...I actually enjoy it. It just like an alternative workout plan, lol. I really think people don't understand because they equate staying at home with doing nothing. FAR FROM the truth. I typically do more work than you would at a "job". Most people sit at a desk all day at work, that doesn't mean you're doing nothing or that your job is easy. To simply put it, if I do nothing then your babysitter/daycare provider does nothing...and you pay them...

Its mentally challenging...I'm alone with two young toddlers all day. I sometimes don't interact with an adult until my husband comes home, which is usually later than the average husband. It can become frustrating when the most stimulating conversation you've had all day is the debate with your 2 year old on why he must eat his food before he gets juice. Trying to stand your ground and not give in for peace of mind while your child throws a tantrum is challenging.

One thing a person must never do is compare staying at home mothers to those of working mothers. Its like comparing apples and oranges. I often look at people who do that like are you freaking serious? So what I do isn't work? Isn't my job just as challenging as hers? I am more than capable of holding down a job & my motherly/wifely duties just like she is. I mean I finished college while raising a baby. Its not that I cannot handle or that I'm struggling with my job as a SAHM. I just need people to understand that I am a working mother...my job is challenging...and give me my respect & props for holding it down at home.

Btw: I consider myself a work at home mom...on a pursuit to building my dreams & my family

Kinky Hair, Don't Care

Transitioning from chemical free to natural is not easy, geesh! I finally made a conscious choice to leave the relaxers alone and try out my natural hair. I have been chemical free since the end of July. It wasn't exactly an easy decision to make for several reasons. I wondered what people were going to say or think (which is unlike me). I'm in a constant battle still trying to stand firm in my decision.

I made the choice to join the "Curly Girl Movement" for good reasons, I refused to just do it because it seems to be the new trend. One of the main reasons was because of finances! Maintaining relaxed hair is costly, especially when you're rocking short hair like I was. Now that I'm married and have been cut off the money train, I look for ways to save us money; and cutting out the salon expenses is one. There are so many household products you can use and it saves money. The second reason was pure curiosity! I wanna see my hair in the state it was meant to be. I wanted to see what the hype and this new movement was about. All of my natural friends claim to love it & I want to see if I experience that same love. I hear that there is so much versatility with natural hair. I love changing up my hair so this will be a plus for me.

Discipline is another main reason. This transition period is not easy at all! I have new growth on the sides from rocking my mohawk, and relaxed hair in the middle. This does not make doing my hair an easy task. So for now I've been rocking my beloved hair wraps. Transitioning is showing me discipline and how to stick to my decision. And discipline is preparing me to make a final decision on doing the BC (big chop).

One of the biggest & most important reasons was for my daughter. Nobody ever really told me it was okay to love my hair the way it was. As little black girls, we are conditioned to want that "good hair". My daughter has beautiful thick coily hair! It makes the cutest little Afro puffs and I want her to embrace her. I want her to grow up knowing that natural is beautiful. The best way to instill that is to be an prime example. How can I tell her to love her for who she is and not show it myself. I'm also going natural to learn how to maintain her hair better. I have learned so much from other blogs, researching, and asking people.

The Curly Girl Movement may just be a trend, but its one I don't mind being a follower too. I hope more black women embrace the movement and learn from it. This is another part of my journey to Me and its helping me to learn more about myself. But whether your decision is relaxed or au naturale, sistas DO YOU! I'll enjoy being able to scratch my scalp whenever I feel free! LOL

Epiphany

"Sometimes in your life you will go on a journey. It will be the longest journey you have ever taken. It is the journey to find yourself." - Katherine Sharp 

I had an epiphany last night: I am on a journey! Yeah nothing profound and def not a new idea...it sounds simple to me too until I really put it into perspective...

I am on a journey to rediscover who I am. Starting this blog has gotten me to think about me & examining my thoughts more often. When trying to figure out what to write on I discover what makes me tick. I'm not the same person I was last year, last week or yesterday for that matter. As God continues to do a new work in me & I continue to long for His will for my life, I find I don't know much about myself anymore. My desires, thoughts, and passions are ever-changing. At 25, I'm finally stepping into the woman I was meant to be. I always thought I had my life planned out & knew exactly what I wanted until life starting happening to me. I'm learning that although people think they know who they are, you really don't. Yeah we have quirks and traits about us that will essentially remain the same but you will always be changing. As life happens, situations arise, challenges come...those things will keep molding you into a new person. I am beginning to discover and learn things about myself that I never knew. I will continually rediscover myself.

I am on a journey to selfish love. Being a wife & sahm I often neglect me. I put my family's needs, wants, and desires ahead of me. By the time I get done doing for others my energy is depleted and time has escaped me...i have just enough strength to take a hot shower & crawl in bed. I give all of me, saving none for myself. There are days were my hair isn't done & my best dressed days are sweats & an old tee. Putting myself on the back-burner has become old. I'm learning to take the time for myself, even if it means sneaking off quietly & shutting the door in a random room of the house. I am going to start taking care of me more often. What good am I to my husband and kids if I'm not making myself happy. They deserve to have the happy, creative, loving person that I am. Selfish love to me means loving myself more and more each day. Selfish love to me means indulging in myself for once before I love on (aka do for) others. Gaining a selfish love for myself does not mean that I forget about my obligations and responsibilities, it means that sometimes I will prioritize myself at the top of the list. I need to ensure my own happiness.

I am on a journey to a reinvented me. I realize I need to get myself in order spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc. This time next year I want to feel and look totally different. I am on a mission to get my body in the best shape possible in all aspects. I am also on this transition to natural hair (which I will be talking about in my blog as well). I want to learn to love me in the natural state that I was meant to be in. I don't want to dress and look the same way I have been for the last few years. I want people to notice new things and be inspired to change as well. My goal is to reinvent myself to feel refreshed, and renewed. I will readily admit that I let motherhood take precedence over my looks. With all the things I need/have to do who has time or energy to put towards looking "fancy" lol? I'm in the house with a 2 & 1 year old...Seriously...what's wrong w/ leggings & a nice tee? The answer is absolutely nothing but I owe it to myself to add a "little extra" to feel/look like a million bucks to myself...

I am on a journey to ME and I'm loving it...its a whole new challenge that I am looking forward to accomplishing. This journey finally gives me something no one can join in on or take away from me. I don't have to share it, its mine to keep...and that's okay with me.

Identity

On that journey to motherhood, from beginning pregnancy stage to the baby being born, you slowly lose your identity...majority of the time it’s to no fault of your own. People begin to ask less and less about you but more about the baby/child. You go from being "(insert name here)" to "Where's (insert baby name)?” I just wanted to scream, "HELLO...MY NAME IS PAM....ITS ME!!...MY NAME HASN'T CHANGED!!!" It’s a huge trend when you become married as well...you go to being "Oh you're (husband's name)'s wife?"...excuse me...are you serious?

Well those days are over for me, I refuse to get caught up losing my identity & being reduced down to Stephan's wife or Deuce & Sarai's mommy. I am more than a mother, sister, daughter, and wife. I have a distinct identity and I think I'm pretty awesome! Like many women, I am a woman of many hats and I'm talented at many things. I think people really forget that especially when you make the decision to be a SAHM (stay at home mom). Just because I chose to not work outside of home doesn't mean I don't have my own passions & dreams that I’m working towards. Furthermore it definitely doesn’t mean I just sit at home (but that’s another post in itself…) 

I'm sure some women are more than content with just being "So & So's Wife" but not me. I love my husband to death! Definitely extremely proud to be his Mrs. but its more to life than just that. I have big dreams, passions, and desires of my own outside of my husband and 2 kids. I hope that one day these passions go from being dreams to those of realities that benefit the people I love the most. 

In then end I understand that majority of people mean no harm but it can be quite annoying. Perhaps self-consciously I do it to myself as well...Maybe when my visions manifest people will change; perhaps they won’t….

But let me introduce myself nonetheless:

My name is Pamela…not just Stephan’s wife…not just Deuce & Sarai’s awesome mommy…yes those things encompass me but I’m simply Pamela or Pam for short….in addition to being Pam, I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, relative, and friend…I have a small graphic design business hoping to launch a t-shirt line. I am passionate about our teen moms, homelessness, and other social issues. I love God and desire His will for my life. I am a graduate of Trinity Christian College with a bachelor’s in Business Communication. But if you remember none of that, just take away my name is Pamela or Pam for short….

PJG